To Be or To Do? Women and Men's different styles of grieving
06/13/25 at 02:00 AM
To Be or To Do? Women and Men's different styles of grieving
Composing Life Out of Loss; by Joy Berger; retrieved from the internet 6/12/25
The terms "Intuitive and Instrumental" styles of grieving were identified by grief researchers and clinicians Ken Doka and Terry Martin in their groundbreaking book, Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn. This 6-minute video for persons grieving a loss simplifies this into my phrase, "To Be or To Do? Perhaps THAT Is the Question."
- To Be? Often associated with women, "Intuitive Grieving" is about BEING IN it.
- To Do? Often associated with men, "Instrumental Grieving" is more about solitude and DOING something with your grief.
- Both? Yes. We need to understand, respect, and use both styles of what this video describes as "Being" and "Doing."
Editor's note [author, producer of this video]: I became passionate about this topic when sitting in hospice interdisciplinary team meetings and hearing female colleagues complain about patients' husbands, sons, and fathers. "He's so cut off!" (Never mind that this father is working 3 jobs to pay medical bills.) Examine the percentages for your Bereavement Counseling Services of women vs. men for (a) 1:1 counseling, (b) interactive support groups, (c) volunteering, (c) developing/supporting a fund raiser or other initiative. [Disclosure, Composing Life Out of Loss is a sponsor for our newsletter.]